Thursday, July 29, 2004
just wen will of this end? i short moment of fun, of happiness, then later a triple times more or sacrifices, depression, down pulling, hurting days..
arent you all tired of all of this? cant u see it? it doesnt work? im so fed up.. im so pissed off.. im so over this.. every time I think of it, its jst so unpredictable. I know there are mishaps in my choice of words, but this is just what I think, what runs in my mind. And it may be because im being attacked by my worse illness, it’s the SPS.. the very rare illness one could ever have. Specially those who are loved and have freedom, and most of all, experiences the true meaning of life.
If you were my mother, or any of my parents, will you be proud of me? Well, if I were, I will be so really proud of being someone connected to a person like me. Yes, I admit, im not the perfect person or daughter a parent would ask for. But hell, we are all humans and also make mistakes, im sure you did also, didn’t you?!
But its not the mistakes or floss you had, you must look at the bigger picture, yes look at other people, but when you do so, think of the better side. Compare it to where you might be proud of.
Now I tell you, for example, you were my parents: “ hi, you know what, you just don’t care for me! All you cared about was YOURSELF, the PEOPLE AROUND, what they might think of, etc etc.. have you ever thought of how your own family would feel? If I am enjoying my life? .. yes, its not that you were not beside me all the time. But you know what, I feel the real life when I am far by your side. And I am supposed to be happy when you were coming and be together again even for once in a while.. but no, I admit that I get excited some times, coz I was hoping will turn out just fine, and change our lives, live a new life, etc etc.. Whenever that time comes, I always pray to the Lord: Lord, im sorry for all I have done, but pls, I hope everything will be fine during their stay here, and give us a new life’. I always prayed for peace in our family.. I even promise or trade things with God just to give me that wish. But I guess, I always mess up that’s why God thinks I don’t deserve any of those simple wishes. But still, I know God wont ever leave me, he gave me lots of friends, talents to keep connected with other people and earn their love and concern I have never felt with my fuckin own family. I mean, what wrong with us? Are we really that broken? I know, in fact we are not broke, but the FAMILY.. I don’t feel like calling this a family. I don’t want to have a family no more if this is just the meaning of it. I give up. If I cant even fix my own family, how wud I be able to have one which I want it to be. See the summary and lesson and theory of all of these?! Its NO BOYFRIEND, even after January, I know I could make it! NO FAMILY, NO HAPPINESS, NO PEACE. I think that’s just how life is. Time out na muna ako.. give up talaga.. ive been here for almost 2 months, but I fuckin give up baby.. I don’t want it like this.. I quit!
arent you all tired of all of this? cant u see it? it doesnt work? im so fed up.. im so pissed off.. im so over this.. every time I think of it, its jst so unpredictable. I know there are mishaps in my choice of words, but this is just what I think, what runs in my mind. And it may be because im being attacked by my worse illness, it’s the SPS.. the very rare illness one could ever have. Specially those who are loved and have freedom, and most of all, experiences the true meaning of life.
If you were my mother, or any of my parents, will you be proud of me? Well, if I were, I will be so really proud of being someone connected to a person like me. Yes, I admit, im not the perfect person or daughter a parent would ask for. But hell, we are all humans and also make mistakes, im sure you did also, didn’t you?!
But its not the mistakes or floss you had, you must look at the bigger picture, yes look at other people, but when you do so, think of the better side. Compare it to where you might be proud of.
Now I tell you, for example, you were my parents: “ hi, you know what, you just don’t care for me! All you cared about was YOURSELF, the PEOPLE AROUND, what they might think of, etc etc.. have you ever thought of how your own family would feel? If I am enjoying my life? .. yes, its not that you were not beside me all the time. But you know what, I feel the real life when I am far by your side. And I am supposed to be happy when you were coming and be together again even for once in a while.. but no, I admit that I get excited some times, coz I was hoping will turn out just fine, and change our lives, live a new life, etc etc.. Whenever that time comes, I always pray to the Lord: Lord, im sorry for all I have done, but pls, I hope everything will be fine during their stay here, and give us a new life’. I always prayed for peace in our family.. I even promise or trade things with God just to give me that wish. But I guess, I always mess up that’s why God thinks I don’t deserve any of those simple wishes. But still, I know God wont ever leave me, he gave me lots of friends, talents to keep connected with other people and earn their love and concern I have never felt with my fuckin own family. I mean, what wrong with us? Are we really that broken? I know, in fact we are not broke, but the FAMILY.. I don’t feel like calling this a family. I don’t want to have a family no more if this is just the meaning of it. I give up. If I cant even fix my own family, how wud I be able to have one which I want it to be. See the summary and lesson and theory of all of these?! Its NO BOYFRIEND, even after January, I know I could make it! NO FAMILY, NO HAPPINESS, NO PEACE. I think that’s just how life is. Time out na muna ako.. give up talaga.. ive been here for almost 2 months, but I fuckin give up baby.. I don’t want it like this.. I quit!
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