Wednesday, August 11, 2004
I’ve been out for some time. Carrying this misery of mine. I just don’t know myself now. Why am I like this? Is it because of the cold treatment and bein taken for granted by my mom. Is it because I cant accept that im a professional bum at the moment? Is it because I still remember him, not yet have been forgiven him, not yet accepted what has real happened? I just cant take it that im suffering so today. Having my SPS every week. Being sad everyday day. Being lonely.. a lot has been offering their kindness of loving me once more, willing to take the risk, but also, some has failed and wasn’t able to fulfill their promise. But why cant I accept their love for me? I just cant. I have made a lot of mistakes in the past. Ive been giving too much of myself and taking for granted my own happiness. But im sad.. what a life. I really cant explain it..
My household head always asked me, “Tin, wats the status of your heart? Are you happy? What are your concerns?”. Oh I miss that ate Elena. From the moment shaun has been courting, to my accounting crisis, breaking up with him, then theres Aubrey, and there’s Franco. Elena has taught me a lot of things. But when I ask myself now, the same question, I’m so empty, I don’t even know wat the status of my heart is. Im thirsty of something I cant have or cant do. Theres a lot of it.. specially going to church and attending yfc gatherings. I crave for those.. it makes my life normal and clean..
Going back, I guess the problem is really me, as my famous line in break ups: “it not you, it’s me.. you have done nothing, you’ve been so nice.. I need time for myself.. sorry..” I thought it was just an excuse for I found someone new, but it wasn’t, it was true. I’m totally not ready for a new relationship. So please, bear with me..
I wanted to fix my life first. Give me time.. my life means the whole of it.. not just a part or a percentage, but everything!! My family, career, friends, and most importantly personal interests. I wanna have fun, enjoy and most importantly to be happy.. that’s my only happiness and wish for myself, BE HAPPY.. true happiness is coming from the heart, seeing it, feeling it, and you have the freedom of experiencing so.
Tats told me this morning, tin its such a blessing, there are meteor showers today, its my birthday, yet its i love you day.. i just hope i cud be as blessed as she is.. i know God will give me that happiness. I know You will. jst be strong and PATIENT tin.. we can do it.. mwah.
My household head always asked me, “Tin, wats the status of your heart? Are you happy? What are your concerns?”. Oh I miss that ate Elena. From the moment shaun has been courting, to my accounting crisis, breaking up with him, then theres Aubrey, and there’s Franco. Elena has taught me a lot of things. But when I ask myself now, the same question, I’m so empty, I don’t even know wat the status of my heart is. Im thirsty of something I cant have or cant do. Theres a lot of it.. specially going to church and attending yfc gatherings. I crave for those.. it makes my life normal and clean..
Going back, I guess the problem is really me, as my famous line in break ups: “it not you, it’s me.. you have done nothing, you’ve been so nice.. I need time for myself.. sorry..” I thought it was just an excuse for I found someone new, but it wasn’t, it was true. I’m totally not ready for a new relationship. So please, bear with me..
I wanted to fix my life first. Give me time.. my life means the whole of it.. not just a part or a percentage, but everything!! My family, career, friends, and most importantly personal interests. I wanna have fun, enjoy and most importantly to be happy.. that’s my only happiness and wish for myself, BE HAPPY.. true happiness is coming from the heart, seeing it, feeling it, and you have the freedom of experiencing so.
Tats told me this morning, tin its such a blessing, there are meteor showers today, its my birthday, yet its i love you day.. i just hope i cud be as blessed as she is.. i know God will give me that happiness. I know You will. jst be strong and PATIENT tin.. we can do it.. mwah.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
ouch, its jst so me..
... letting go of a person u've just learned to love
... reminiscing the good times u shared together
... shielding ur heart to love somebody
... trying to hide what u really feel
... trying to hide the tears that involuntarilyfall from ur eyes
... loving a person too much
... giving up someone u never thought of givingup
... having the right love at the wrong time
... taking the risk to fall in love again
... hiding ur relationship from someone else
... controlling ur feelings to avoid hurting a friend
... thinking of him every waking and sleeping moment knowing all the while that he never eventhinks a single thought of you...
... letting go, because everytime you see the person,you only fall deeper
... falling inlove with someone you didnt mean tofall inlove with
... finding the perfect guy
...with only one prob
...he doesnt love you...
... helping the one you love court your friend
... seeing the one you love crying for someone else
... the waiting also hurts like hell
... having to hear "... I've met someone"
... agreeing to him wish to 'just be friends'.
... asking his freedom back bcoz 'he'd behappier with her'
... asking u to 'forget that everything happened'and be 'normal' friends again.
... hearing that u're treated as a big sis
... sharing his future plans for the gurl with you
.... u stopped being friends bcoz his gf asked him to
.... being denied in front of people....
... he told u he'd be leaving u to return to his ex (d one he left 4 u!)
... breaking someone's heart... being with someone you can't actually love..
.... pretending you don't love a person whom you actually love...
... being in love...
... letting go even if you really don't want to...
... having no right to say you are hurting,because it was your decision
... seeing the person you love hurt because ofyou
...and not being able to help that person...
... having the courage to say I LOVE YOU to the person you love and finding out afterwards that things will never be the same again when he/shedoesnt treat you with the same closeness as before
... having to face the fact that someone is capable of completely destroying the wall that you have set for yourself, leaving you weak and vulnerable admitting that you love someone despite his imperfections
... finding out that the more you try to hate her/him, the more you end up loving her/him, perhaps even more than before...
... Sharing the one you love with SOMEBODYelse....."
... making a promise....and realizing that when the time has come for that promise to bedelivered....the commitment is no longer there...
... fighting for that one thing that would make you happy
... that is, holding on to a person who can not guarantee you his/her commitment unless he/shefixed himself/herself
...then, you are lefthanging for the moment
...then he/she says, time will tell
... but you still decided to hope in him/her and trust him/her
... PRETENDING you're OK when inside you're dying...
... PRETENDING to be strong.
... and RECOGNIZINGyour weakness
... lying in bed each night, thinking of that special person you can never have
...telling u lies where he'd been when actually, he was with a 'new friend' or an 'oldflame'
... holding back only to find out when it's too late, you both felt the same way, but were only scared to lose each other so much that you didn't let the feelings out
... realizing how stupid your mistakes were that led to your break-up.
... the thought that this guy, used to really love you and you loved him as well but you didn't give enough and he gave up on you
... the hardest thing about love - believing it exists.
... reminiscing the good times u shared together
... shielding ur heart to love somebody
... trying to hide what u really feel
... trying to hide the tears that involuntarilyfall from ur eyes
... loving a person too much
... giving up someone u never thought of givingup
... having the right love at the wrong time
... taking the risk to fall in love again
... hiding ur relationship from someone else
... controlling ur feelings to avoid hurting a friend
... thinking of him every waking and sleeping moment knowing all the while that he never eventhinks a single thought of you...
... letting go, because everytime you see the person,you only fall deeper
... falling inlove with someone you didnt mean tofall inlove with
... finding the perfect guy
...with only one prob
...he doesnt love you...
... helping the one you love court your friend
... seeing the one you love crying for someone else
... the waiting also hurts like hell
... having to hear "... I've met someone"
... agreeing to him wish to 'just be friends'.
... asking his freedom back bcoz 'he'd behappier with her'
... asking u to 'forget that everything happened'and be 'normal' friends again.
... hearing that u're treated as a big sis
... sharing his future plans for the gurl with you
.... u stopped being friends bcoz his gf asked him to
.... being denied in front of people....
... he told u he'd be leaving u to return to his ex (d one he left 4 u!)
... breaking someone's heart... being with someone you can't actually love..
.... pretending you don't love a person whom you actually love...
... being in love...
... letting go even if you really don't want to...
... having no right to say you are hurting,because it was your decision
... seeing the person you love hurt because ofyou
...and not being able to help that person...
... having the courage to say I LOVE YOU to the person you love and finding out afterwards that things will never be the same again when he/shedoesnt treat you with the same closeness as before
... having to face the fact that someone is capable of completely destroying the wall that you have set for yourself, leaving you weak and vulnerable admitting that you love someone despite his imperfections
... finding out that the more you try to hate her/him, the more you end up loving her/him, perhaps even more than before...
... Sharing the one you love with SOMEBODYelse....."
... making a promise....and realizing that when the time has come for that promise to bedelivered....the commitment is no longer there...
... fighting for that one thing that would make you happy
... that is, holding on to a person who can not guarantee you his/her commitment unless he/shefixed himself/herself
...then, you are lefthanging for the moment
...then he/she says, time will tell
... but you still decided to hope in him/her and trust him/her
... PRETENDING you're OK when inside you're dying...
... PRETENDING to be strong.
... and RECOGNIZINGyour weakness
... lying in bed each night, thinking of that special person you can never have
...telling u lies where he'd been when actually, he was with a 'new friend' or an 'oldflame'
... holding back only to find out when it's too late, you both felt the same way, but were only scared to lose each other so much that you didn't let the feelings out
... realizing how stupid your mistakes were that led to your break-up.
... the thought that this guy, used to really love you and you loved him as well but you didn't give enough and he gave up on you
... the hardest thing about love - believing it exists.
Monday, August 09, 2004
HE DOESNT LOVE YOU THAT MUCH
During what women believe to be the start of a budding romance, certainty about where the relationship is going is never questioned. To us, "it's in the bag" without necessarily saying this out loud.
He calls, he tells me, he misses me, asks me out often, is relentlessly sweet and thoughtful. I am always on cloud nine and unapologetically unable to wipe the grin off my face. I am in love with him and although he hasn't said so yet, I am sure he loves me back.
Herein lies the tragedy.
With men, until he hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend, you are not on safe ground. No matter how few the minutes are between his text messages or his phone calls, even if he has tried to hold your hand, carefully pick off the eyelash from under your eye, and wipe the crumb that was perched on your upper lip, assume that he just wants to be friends. Assume otherwise and you'll be in for a great big heartbreak. I am not trying to build a community of skeptics and cynics through this column but to warn all the women out there to tread the waters carefully before jumping in. I am your willing guide in your journey through the abyss of relationship. I have been the confidante of so many men all these years that I know how their minds work. I know what they'll do next. I know what they want...because they tell me.
Men are almost formulaic- especially those who have remained single after 25. When faced with the same given in the same situation, no matter where they come from, they will all do the same thing.
Enter the questions women love to ask: (1) Why hasn't he called me the past few days? (2) IF HE LIKES BEING WITH ME SO MUCH, WHY DOESN'T HE LEAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND FOR ME?
As much as we would like to fall back into thinking that men are idiots and need a little shove into the right direction, I advise you to please keep your hands where they are. Do not text, call or make a bigger fool of yourself. There is just one answer to all three questions:
HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ENOUGH. :(
Let's take each situation one at a time. He hasn't called you the past few days... Women will immediately assume that something's wrong. His cellphone is off, he is sick, he got into an accident, he's upset with me etc. We spend hours trying to think of what could possibly be preventing him from calling us. Once we come up with the most logical answer, e.g. he is sick, we decide to text him. We say to ourselves, "okay lang for me to text him, at least he'll think that I care about him and that I'm thoughtful. Plus, once lang naman to e. After this, i'll never initiate texting." More brazen women would come right out, all the guy and ask, "Why haven't you called me?" Whenever my women friends tell me they did this, I visibly cringe and have to stop myself from hitting them over the head.
You see, men's initial feelings for a woman are not usually carved in stone. How they feel about you is very much like writing on the sand. You have to be careful so that they don't change their minds about you. My guy friends who confide in me (voluntarily) have the same facial statement when they tell me about the girl who asked them that question, "Why haven't you called me?" They look like they have the heebie-jeebies.
They freak out and are this close to complaining about this. They haven't called you because they don't feel like it. They might feel like it later but at the moment they don't so they won't. They are aware you exist and don't need you to remind them about it. They will let your first call go this time but already, they are leaning toward " not feeling like calling you" on a long-term basis
He calls, he tells me, he misses me, asks me out often, is relentlessly sweet and thoughtful. I am always on cloud nine and unapologetically unable to wipe the grin off my face. I am in love with him and although he hasn't said so yet, I am sure he loves me back.
Herein lies the tragedy.
With men, until he hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend, you are not on safe ground. No matter how few the minutes are between his text messages or his phone calls, even if he has tried to hold your hand, carefully pick off the eyelash from under your eye, and wipe the crumb that was perched on your upper lip, assume that he just wants to be friends. Assume otherwise and you'll be in for a great big heartbreak. I am not trying to build a community of skeptics and cynics through this column but to warn all the women out there to tread the waters carefully before jumping in. I am your willing guide in your journey through the abyss of relationship. I have been the confidante of so many men all these years that I know how their minds work. I know what they'll do next. I know what they want...because they tell me.
Men are almost formulaic- especially those who have remained single after 25. When faced with the same given in the same situation, no matter where they come from, they will all do the same thing.
Enter the questions women love to ask: (1) Why hasn't he called me the past few days? (2) IF HE LIKES BEING WITH ME SO MUCH, WHY DOESN'T HE LEAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND FOR ME?
As much as we would like to fall back into thinking that men are idiots and need a little shove into the right direction, I advise you to please keep your hands where they are. Do not text, call or make a bigger fool of yourself. There is just one answer to all three questions:
HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ENOUGH. :(
Let's take each situation one at a time. He hasn't called you the past few days... Women will immediately assume that something's wrong. His cellphone is off, he is sick, he got into an accident, he's upset with me etc. We spend hours trying to think of what could possibly be preventing him from calling us. Once we come up with the most logical answer, e.g. he is sick, we decide to text him. We say to ourselves, "okay lang for me to text him, at least he'll think that I care about him and that I'm thoughtful. Plus, once lang naman to e. After this, i'll never initiate texting." More brazen women would come right out, all the guy and ask, "Why haven't you called me?" Whenever my women friends tell me they did this, I visibly cringe and have to stop myself from hitting them over the head.
You see, men's initial feelings for a woman are not usually carved in stone. How they feel about you is very much like writing on the sand. You have to be careful so that they don't change their minds about you. My guy friends who confide in me (voluntarily) have the same facial statement when they tell me about the girl who asked them that question, "Why haven't you called me?" They look like they have the heebie-jeebies.
They freak out and are this close to complaining about this. They haven't called you because they don't feel like it. They might feel like it later but at the moment they don't so they won't. They are aware you exist and don't need you to remind them about it. They will let your first call go this time but already, they are leaning toward " not feeling like calling you" on a long-term basis
